“What A Treat” (2013)


An observation from idiot savant-
It seems like you could have anyone you want.
I want you to want me.

I wanna meet your Ma and Pa,
and anyone who made you who you are –
A shining star.

I don’t mind if I wait all year,
Tell me when you’ll meet me here,
I’ll be howling at the moon,

I didn’t tell you that I had a crush,
The words I chose illustrated how much
I’m dying inside.

I get severe palpitation attacks,
eyeing off my phone like it’s Santa’s sack.
Won’t you write back?

I don’t really wanna wait all year,
Tell me when you’ll meet me here,
I’ll be howling at the moon,
Awoooh! Awoooh!

I become one determined daughter of a gun when I get love in my eyes.
It’s no surprise I feel it for you,
I know you’re taking me through to the other side.

I might die if I wait all year,
Tell me when you’ll meet me here,
I’ll be howling at the moon,
Awoooh! Awoooh!

Harsh Dylan Songs

I’ve got some things to tell you, I’m gonna give it plain.
You’ve got a lot of issues and you’ve been playing games.
Us joining forces is long overdue, babe,
We could be makin’ hay.
I profess my love to you and you just wanna save it for a rainy day.

Harsh Dylan songs are now my vice-
I Don’t Believe You and Don’t Think Twice.
Positively 4th Street sometimes.

I need to leave you alone. I’m foolishly compelled.
I’ll change your name in my phone to Stop Hurting Yourself!
Dignity abandoned me long ago, it took off with self-respect.
They’re hidden deep in some mysterious cove,
holding my compass as they genuflect.

Harsh Dylan songs are now my vice-
I Don’t Believe You and Don’t Think Twice.
Idiot Wind’s not very nice.

If I Ever

In fields of green we’re rolling, looking up at the clouds.
Building bridges and hidey holes in snake-infested surrounds.
If I ever did go back there, I’d spend all my time under the stairs.

You played in the sea, I buried my head in the sandy delf.
Today it would seem more hairy – I peel the couch off myself.
I had a feeling it would come back to bite me on the bum.

Shaking flying hands mid-melee, taking hits in my stride.
Making my demands as I pray not to be burned alive.
I’m ready to take any fall, I wrote the writing on the wall.

When the heads are rolling and there’s no one to call in,
it might be some kind of fun. I could bathe in it or run.

Tears blinding my eyes, I’m running to the storm on the bay.
Waving the crash and the sun in, then wishing them away.
If I ever have asked for it, I’d be the first one to admit it.


I’m gonna see you both tonight and man, I hope her fighting skills are no good!
And though it wouldn’t make it right I’d tell her I love you like fire loves wood.
Would it make me dumb or crazy?
I’ll see you ‘round the tiny town and if we have a drink I’ll tell you the truth-
That while ever you are with her I’m waiting in an isolation booth.

I’ll kiss you or cry if you keep shooting me those eyes,
I’ll do what you want me to do.

I can’t forget, it’s such a sweat, I liken it to sifting sugar from salt,
whilst knowing neither of them’s any good for anyone in this kind of bulk.
Amelia, she’s really smart and she says limerence is punishing me.
I looked it up but it’s not listed like love is in any dictionary, what does it mean?

I’ll kiss you or cry if you keep shooting me those eyes,
I’ll do what you want me to do.

Straight To The Bar

If you’re not under house arrest,
let’s go out to the show that you were asking me about,
‘though it will be fraught with danger.
And my friend, you have been through a lot this year,
let’s pretend that it’s fine and we’ll shake it off here.
I promise we’ll go straight to the bar.

When we meet I get nervous anxiety,
I would hope if I act inappropriately, she’ll know why
and she’ll forgive me.
Oh, I see that my ex has arrived as well.
It’s awkward but I wouldn’t describe it as “hell”.
Still I know he’ll be going straight to the bar.

What did you think about those guys?
I thought they were derivative but I guess they’re ok.
Sure, I’ll join you for a smoko.
Oh, it’s just tobacco, I’m not interested.
I’ve got crutches enough without stirring the pot!
Speak of the devil, I’m going straight to the bar.

Ain’t Done Yet

There is nothing I despise more than when a liar is lying to me again.
It borders on offensive when you call me a friend of yours, I’m not at all.
We were rolling around in my bed, and I let myself get all kinds of naked.
You didn’t even remove a single sock! I wish I’d seen it as the blatant metaphor it was.

Maybe baby, we should never have met. I wish that I could say I feel regret.
Why you gotta go? You know I ain’t done yet!

Cold winter showers and long walks late at night, I don’t care if I’m risking my life.
I stopped looking after myself long ago. My skin broke out, you upset my hormones!
You used to call me when the sun was coming up,
I thought it was romantic, but hindsight says you were just drunk.
I try to move on but it’s no use. You know you’re at a loss when you’re playing 12 bar blues!
Tickle ivory!

Maybe baby, we should never have met. I wish that I could say I feel regret.
Why you gotta go? You know I ain’t done yet!

The Intervention

Seems you’re in a bit of a jam,
In cahoots with your old man.
He’s hurt you in ways you don’t understand,
Now he’s holding your hand.

So canvas your friends for advice,
Thank us and then do as you like.
No one has a legitimate right to be angry with you,
Hell, it’s what we would do.

But this happens every year,
And the solution’s plain and clear-
You’ve gotta walk now,
And know that we’re all gonna be here.

I’m sorry I gave you the tray bits,
And you think we’re all hypocrites,
But sometimes you’ve just gotta admit when you’re life’s on the skids.

I’m getting’ this offa my chest,
Before you hit cardiac arrest.
You’re terminally depressed, it’s buzz-killin’ my high.
We all hate when you cry.

But this happens every year,
And the solution’s plain and clear-
You’ve gotta walk now,
And know that we’re all gonna be here.

Why’d You Have To Kiss Me So Hard?

We formed a team- just us and the trees, and danced to the Scream.
You became my disease.
Why’d you have to kiss me so hard?

It’s just a flash ‘til you let it linger,
Then she’ll be wrapped around your little finger.
Why’d you have to kiss me so hard?


Assassin bug, Tiger beetle
Cicada, Locust, Fire Ant
Dragonfly, Ladybug, Weevil
Dung Beetle, Lord Howe Island Stick Insect

Flea, Bumble Bee, Butterfree

Green Lacewing, Damselfly
Aphid, Praying Mantis, Earwig
Thrip, Grasshopper, Alderfly
Christmas Beetle, Silverfish, Silkworm

Antlion, Phorid Fly
Wasp, Termite, Parasprite

What a treat

For a child-molesting reverend, a cactus lacking mescaline,
an epiphany in Mandarin, you are nice…on the eye.
The back-handed compliments, the patronizing undertones,
The diplomatic statements- See? I try to be kind!

I’m still singing this song.

The island I washed up on is desolate, yet over-run.
Oh pet muse, you’re gargantuan, and your teat – what a treat!
I live entirely off of it; a blessing and a defecit.
My mind’s unsubtle repair kit plays me Ween when I dream.

I’ll be buried in song. Don’t kiss me before telling me I’m wrong.

I’ve been blue, green, red and yellow,
almost a complete rainbow.
I’d be tickled pink to know if even sometimes, I cross your mind.

But this has taught me many things about myself and Catholic Sins.
And even if I never win you, I won other fun-
I was buried in song! A broken heart can throw you a bone.

I still think you’re my home. The hardest part is admitting I’m wrong.

“The Lighter Side Of…” (2010)

Wouldn’t Be Surprised

I used to be content with knowing nothing,
Like someone hanging pictures in the dark.
I ignored every instinct and listened to my heart;
Knowing it was deaf and dumb and blind and full of lies.
You pulled the rug from under me and left me in a desert with no trees.

I’m suffering from shock and I’m feeling very lost.
Wouldn’t be surprised at the lives that this has cost.
Take me to the sticks ‘cause I’m fixed on seeing stars.
I forget they’re there. You can’t see them from here.

To see you moving on is more than hard.
So don’t make it worse by dragging me behind the car.
And telling me every regret you have is wreaking havoc with my heart.
If you ever wanna take me back, I hope I have more dignity than that.

How you s’posed to breathe when your lungs are filled with frost?
Wouldn’t be surprised at the lives that this has cost.
Take me to the sticks ‘cause I’m fixed on seeing stars.
I forget they’re there. You don’t see them down here.

One day the dust will settle down with my heart.
I’ll stop being resentful and drift apart.
Until then I’ve gotta grit my teeth,
If he loved me he wouldn’t leave.

And that should be all I need.

The Meaning of the Word

I see brown on the ground and assume that it’s somebody’s blood.
When it could have easily been sap from leaves or the remnants of mud.
I don’t know why I always assume the worst.
Blame my parents, blame the Government, blame you first.

Now I’m not trying to abuse you or make you pay.
But you need reminding- you didn’t lose me, you threw me away.
And these days I’m fine,
but there was a time when I was looking for a strong foundation…
…to hang my sad body from, to hang my sad body from.
I’m glad I didn’t do it, ‘cause lately I’ve had a lot of fun, had a lot of fun.

Now I know I didn’t know the meaning of the word,
Now I know I didn’t know the meaning of the word,
Now I know I didn’t know the meaning of the word,
Now I know I didn’t know the meaning of the word.

And so I’m moving on and I’m thinking about other things.
And I bet everybody’s glad ‘cause heartbreak can sometimes get really boring.
I met a man who said “More than a handful is a waste”.
I feel the same way about talented people with bad taste.

If I could solve the problems of the world with a child’s mind,
Mama Cass’d give the sandwich back to Karen and they’d both survive.
But there’s deeper roots, I wish it weren’t true.
How high do you climb ‘til you find the right view…
…to throw yourself off into, to throw yourself off into…
The hills too high, the sun’s too bright, the sky’s too blue.

Now I know I didn’t know the meaning of the word,
Now I know I didn’t know the meaning of the word,
Now I know I didn’t know the meaning of the word,
Now I know I didn’t know the meaning of the word.

I’ll try to be more like the Sea, take the money and run.

Nobody Steals Your Show

Time doesn’t only fly when you’re having fun,
I realized I had a lot of goals and achieved none.
Oh, I don’t know what I’m doing with my life; don’t know what to do about it.

I’m tired of all the smoke and mirror balls,
I took the eggs from my basket and just threw them at the wall.
I’ve got nothing underneath to catch my fall.
I don’t know what to do about it.

I get by by telling myself lies and hoping they’ll come true.
Still I know nobody steals your show unless you allow them to.

It takes sheer blind self-belief
To sail your ship out there and just expect that you’ll succeed.
With the sea of scary monsters at your door,
You’ll wonder what you’re doing it all for.

But you have two choices;
Curl up and die,
Or focus all your energies and set the ship alight.
Take it from me, baby, it’s no fun,
To justify your wasted life to anyone.

You’ll get by by telling yourself lies cos you hope that they’ll come true.
Still you know nobody stole your show unless you allowed them to.
Unless you allowed them to.


I had a boy who knew I loved him all along.
He got upset because I hadn’t wrote him a song.
So I delivered one to his letter box,
But it was full and I could only fit in the chorus.
It went…

“You’ve been my man since I was a little girl,
Everyone knows you’re the sunshine in my world,

There was a time when he was always by my side.
What do I do now he’s away and I have things to confide?
He is a special one, my Mum’s adopted son.
I’ll will myself to early death the day he is gone.

Because he’s been my man since I was a little girl,
Everyone knows he’s the sunshine in my world,
Pauly, oh….


I’ll drag your lifeless body out of that burning house.
And in your pain you’ll say to me that you didn’t mind being doused.
Well if you’ve lost all feeling, you need to move around.
Let’s take a walk to Melbourne and just crash on Pauly’s lounge.

Don’t cry.
Don’t look behind.

Battling your memories is often half the fight.
I promise I don’t own the kind of music that she likes.
We’ll drink a lot of red wine and listen to The Smiths.
I’ll lend you some sad albums for when you dwell on it.

Don’t cry.
Don’t look behind.

The hunger only eats you when someone takes the cake,
I wish you weren’t compelled to keep on feeding your belly ache.

Don’t cry.
Don’t look behind.

I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend

I know where you’ve been,
But I still love you and I want to let you in.
You can come and go as you please,
That doesn’t mean that I’m naïve,
I know a dog remains a dog even on a short lead.

I talked it over with all my friends,
They all think you’re a bad person…

But I wanna be your girlfriend,
I still wanna be your girlfriend.
As soon as you leave your girlfriend, will you be mine?

Define the look that’s in your eyes,
‘Cause I know a lot of things are only in my mind.
But at the risk of sounding mean,
She don’t belong in your team, I do!
And you could join me here in my room…

I talk it over with all my friends,
They tell me I’m a bad person…

‘Cause I wanna be your girlfriend,
Even though you have a girlfriend.
I’d like you to leave your girlfriend and make you mine.

So many feelings I don’t relay to you,
Hoping that my E.S.P. somehow gets through.
I’ve got a feeling I’m barking up the wrong tree,
You’re never coming to me.

Love or Cancer

I could have been your wife, I’d waste my whole damn life.
Let you knock me up, we could raise a pup.
I don’t even want to, but I know I want you.
So if it made you stay, I’d learn to live that way.

Oh it doesn’t get much worse than this,
When you’d sell your soul just for a kiss.

I don’t even want to see you any more.
A ghost can’t cast a shadow on the floor.
I fell under the wave and I’m just trying to recover.

When you’re wondering if you had love or just some kind of cancer,
A lesson pleads; the question leads you straight to the answer.


Name your price, spin some lies,
Hide your eyes away and I’ll be fine.
I’ll be fine.

When It All Falls Apart (And It Will)

I’d like to see you in Cinema-scope,
Give me some more length on this rope.
You use the long end to flog the mare,
And make believe that smell’s not there.

Well, when it all falls apart,
You can have my heart.

You come alive when she goes away.
And I can hear what you’re trying to say,
Without the pillow over your face.
Honey, I know it’s not my place.
But number 1 on my list of loathes,
Is watching you shrink in your clothes.

So when it all turns to shit,
Bring me your broken bits.

When it all falls apart (and it will),
You can call my heart your five dollar bill.
I won’t mean a lot to you but I’ll be better than nothing.
I don’t mean a lot to you but I’m better than nothing.

Older Man

I had my heart broken by an older man,
Now I wouldn’t recommend getting involved with them.
They’ll suck the youth right outta you and strip you of all the innocence they can.

Maybe it was just the man I had.

But if I’d have known two years ago I’d have these bags under my eyes,
I probably would have picked a younger guy.

I can handle a younger man with a house that’s a bit messy.
The trade-off is- his skin has elasticity.
We’ll leave the dishes out, let the cockroaches crawl everywhere for all I care,
Look at us, we’ve got heads full of dark hair.

I’m hurting and now I’m bursting with spite.

And if he’d have known two years ago he’d have to endure songs like these,
He probably would have picked a more mature lady.

Oh well, oh well, oh well.
Oh welly well well, welly well.

All My Worst Nightmares

I know you must have a reason to do what you’ve done,
But it’s hurting me irreparably, so I hope you’ve got a good one.
The pain inside is easy to describe-
My heart just feels so heavy that it’s curving my spine.

All my worst nightmares came true.
And even my paranoid delusions too.

In school they said imagination was a gift for the lucky few.
I imagined you were in love too and I’m not feeling lucky now, to tell you the truth.
The mess you made is always on display-
I don’t have to say anything, it’s written on my face.

All your worst nightmares can come true.
And all your paranoid delusions too….

I know there’s plenty more fish in the sea,
And it’s no use wanting someone that doesn’t want me.
But why don’t you want me?
Why don’t you miss me?
Why don’t you love me like I do you?

You’re A Parasitic Germ

It finally ended and I fell into a heap in the corner,
Nobody was there to pick me up the third time.
And everybody’s saying “Look, I’m sorry but I told you”,
Well, I don’t wanna believe that you’re no longer mine.

But you’ve gotta learn from your own mistakes and nobody elses,
If it takes 2 years for me to learn it’s someone else’s turn,
That’s a lesson I have to learn.

But don’t break my heart and expect to get off scot-free,
I’ve got a guitar, an acid tongue and an elephant’s memory.
I wouldn’t let anybody else do these things to me,
It’s dangerous to love someone unconditionally.

But you’ve gotta learn from your own mistakes and nobody elses,
If it takes my life for me to learn you’re a parasitic germ,
That’s a lesson I’d like to learn.

And when I choose the right trail I hope I know,
But I move like a snail – really slow, really slow, really slow.

Terrible Disease

Covered in talcum powder, I woke alone.
The sound was getting louder, a heavy drone.
I tried to remember all I’d been taught,
But in the heat of December I lost the plot.
All I’d known was never there!

Teach me it all again, this time I’ve got a bottle.
I’ll jam the lessons in there, I’m a calm axolotl.
Doc, I’ve got a terrible disease,
I cannot speak, my mouth is filled with feet.

Don’t send me out to bat, I’ll just sit on the bench
And try to justify why walking fish get a mention.
Oooh Doc, I’ve got a terrible disease,
I cannot hear the music in my ears.

It’s so difficult to explain, I’m talking to a wall.
If I had a skull made out of cellophane, would that redeem me at all?

Coming to the conclusion I might need prescriptions,
To control my eternal internal conniptions.
Doc, I’ve got a terrible disease!
I cannot see the forest for the trees.
I cannot hear the music in my ears.

Living On Light

Living on light, you’re scary when you’re sleeping.
Living on light, I’m feeding while I’m breathing.
Breathing on light, I ventured out into the woods.
Living on light, I read every word in the book.

Well I said it, I guess, but no one knows.

Taking my time, I can’t see it but I still believe it’s there.
And I don’t mind, my teeth are rotten and I pulled out all my hair.
It’s such a crime (I’m a firm believer that no news is good news)…
to see a spider with 8 legs only using 2.

I only have to hear your voice to see your face.

“Self-Titled” (2006)

Looking For A Rabbit

Oh, wrap your arms around me till all your muscles atrophy!
And I will drink your peppermint tea till I get cavities, cavities!
Get over here and kiss my face off!
I’ll squeeze you till your eyes pop!
I’ll smile till my gums bleed….
One gory pod, two happy peas!

Are you looking for a lover?
Or just another mother?
An insignificant other?
Tell me and I’ll put on the mask.

I was bad at Tae Kwon Do so I’ll try Karate!
I will not bond with someone who’s a neo-nazi!
Won’t watch your shows and I don’t wanna eat your pizza!
I don’t even like your music taste either!

I go to all these shows and I just hate the scene!
I feel like I’ve walked into such a bad, bad dream!
Even though I don’t like it one little bit,
I kind of wish I had been embraced by it.

The people at the party were very very arty.
I didn’t want them to see me so I wore a mask.
I had a trolley full of carrots and started looking for a rabbit.
I passed a guy whose eye was cabbaged, and searched his unattended baggage…

I’m standing in the corner with the flowers and the fauna,
There’s a veil-covered mourner just lying on the grass.

Oh, are you looking for a rabbit?
Oh, with a trolley full of carrots?
That’s a pretty silly habit.
Maybe you should put on a mask.
A mask! A mask! A mask!


I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to see you,
I phased you out, I phased you out.
Please step aside, exit my life,
I made new friends, our friendship is long expired.
You’re not required.

You can no longer blame your character flaws on inheritance,
I’ve met your parents.
And so I know those flaws are yours alone,
Your awful parents have their own.

When we were children, we were children,
I knew even way back then that you’re a fool.
But it was hot and you had a pool.

We were in 3rd grade, 100 metre race,
Your mum said you would fly through space,
But I know you didn’t, because I came 1st place.

And just as you were trying to congratulate,
I waved my ribbon in your face.
You’ll find I’m really quite polite most of the time,
But I just wanted you to go away!

But I admire your subtleties,
I’m so abrasive and awkward I can’t greet
The ones I love, offer them a hug.
I over-think arm placement, all embraces feel odd!

*Oooh, you’re so surly!
Why would I smile if I can frown?
*Oooh, It’ll kill you early!
Well you can put me down now!
*You’re far too surly, yeah!
It picks me up to put you down!
*We’ll throw you in the circus!
Please, I’ll be the miserable clown.

Mad Scientist

Mad Scientist! Mad Scientist!

Professor Cushman, you live too far away.
Why travel to my planet if you’re not planning to stay?
Profess my love for you, I’ll do it every day,
But I need to know when we’ll share more than the Milky Way!

What we need is a travel device (Travel De-vice)
So use your mind and visualize (Visual-I-I-ize)
A big black hole like the pupil in your eye!

Step into that portal, it brings you back to me.
You know I’d do it if I had the same technology! Oh.

Mad Scientist! Mad Scientist!

Afraid our mission might stall in outer space,
It’s hard to keep momentum when you’re bored with the thrill of the chase.
It feels like The Weekend whenever you are near,
But your space station’s so far away & I need you over here!

Step into that portal, it brings you back to me.
I watched “My Pet Monster” so I know this can be achieved!

Mad Scientist! My Mad Scientist!

Far more advanced than any other guy I ever knew.
You bypass politics but you talk about the water on the moon.
Everything was going swell, you had to up and leave.
You left me a present, a special space travel machine.
But it’s only toy-size so I can’t take a joy ride!

You’d better step into that portal, and bring you home to me!
I know portals exist, I always see ‘em on TV!
Step into that portal! Step into that portal!
Step into that portal, bring you back to me.

Mad Scientist.

My Opus

I don’t want to be wasting my time with my own idiocy.
I walk down new tracks and end up back in the exact same place
with the familiar taste of egg on face.
I keep stepping on snails almost every day and it’s never on purpose.
Life is unfair, I stare in their retracting eyes and apologise.
Regardless, the snails die.

Then other deaths arise.
Dead bats dangle on wires.
I sense impending doom is being signified.
I don’t need doom, I need apple pie.

I dreamt all of my loved ones died and left me on my own.
With big tear drops for eyes I attended every funeral alone.
A flying lion tore apart a pink bird in the sky.
A hill filled with children had a bloody kitchen off to the side.

And then I ventured into polyrhythms.
I really shouldn’t go anywhere near them.
I am the worst musician I have ever met-
You could put me against a fingerless invalid with no eyes!
Eyes (I lost track)
With no eyes! Eyes (I lost track)

All my seeds are broken, darling, nothing’s gonna grow.
Lead a better life, rid yourself of this heavy load.
I’m no longer honest, every day I speak in code.
Don’t want you to warm to me, I want you to attack.
Greet my loved one awkwardly; be shocked that he comes back.

It’s not a haunted house, it’s a haunted home.
So wipe your feet!
Be quiet as a mouse, you’re not allowed to go.
So take a seat!
We’re all gonna die tonight…….

I used the bells and whistles just to keep him in the dark.
I hope there’s no irreparable damage in his big heart.
All my gory dreams just turned so awfully real.
The dangling bat decayed and splat on my automobile.
And I just didn’t know how to feel.
I didn’t know what body part was stuck to the wheel!

It was just a little bump when this started in November!
Now my throat is caked with lumps and I know I don’t remember…
Why I climbed inside,
(I didn’t want to do it, I got pushed into it, Mummy)
Broke things in your mind.
(I didn’t want to do it, I got pushed into it, Mummy)

Nasty in the city tonight,
They’re out and they will give you a fright.
Don’t go walking alone,
They’ll get you when you’re walking home.

Do you like my opus?
Do you like my opus?
I hope you do.

Tear Ducts

Tear ducts, I’m gonna have to get mine sewn up
If I don’t see you sometime…now.
Tear ducts, mine have filled themselves up,
They overflowed and now the tears slide right into my mouth.

And everything tastes salty.
And everything looks foggy.
And I feel like shit.

Red eyes I can hide in the night time,
But how do I get through a day at work?
Oh, red eyes, teach me to not cry.
It’s all I know how to do, thanks entirely to you.

Spend too much time at home,
In my bedroom getting stoned,
Trying to feel numb to my bones,
All I feel is more alone…

And I look like shit.
And I sound like shit.
And I feel like shit.
I am becoming, you guessed it- shit.

So feel like shit with me,
Won’t you feel like shit with me?
Come on, everyone be miserable for a while!
Can’t we all share widespread unhappiness?
I’m tired of people telling me to smile.

Make everything taste salty.
And everything look foggy.
Everything tastes salty and everything looks foggy.

And we’ll look like shit!
And we’ll sound like shit!
And we’ll feel like shit!

I’m gonna get my tear ducts sewn up.

Lettuce & Anarchists

I’ll tell you about these 2 guys I work with, they are vegans.
They’re also hardcore punks; a rare combination.
Although they’re far from average, their names are quite run-of-the-mill
They’re Aaron and Luke, but they’d prefer their names to be Pro-Animal Lib and Prejudice-Free.

They’re the best of friends but I am sure they’re also gay lovers,
If they are I say good for them because they really compliment each other,
Like black and white or yin and yang, Sid Vicious and Johnny Rotten,
Soy sauce and tofu, tahini and cauliflower- they’re punk rock pals.
Kindred souls who don’t eat cows! (or related cow by-products).
The lack of iron in their diet takes away their tan, they always have interesting t-shirt slogans
and I love them. Yes I love them!

I love my vegan punk friends, they’re anarchists who like to eat lettuce,
They don’t follow any mainstream trends, and please dear God
don’t offer them McDonalds… unless you want a kick in the head.
They’ll tell you Ronald’s the reason Che Guevara’s dead.
And even though they’re aethiests, major corporations can rot in hell.

Luke is a straight-edge punk which means he doesn’t do drugs,
or smoke or drink or anything fun.
But he’s not a Christian (thank God) so he can have all the sex that he damn wants,
with lots of different people, yeah he’s a slut but he has got a “primary partner” too.
That was a quote.

And as for Aaron, well he’s the most devoted vegan I’ve ever seen,
He won’t even eat honey ’cause the bees make it for their baby bees and not us.
He’s really sweet but I just wish he’d wear deodorant sometimes,
But he’s too scared because the companies could be lying when they say they don’t test on animals.

But that’s ok, their intentions are good – they recycle paper to save the wood.
And I love them, yes I love them!

I love my vegan punk friends, they’re anarchists who like to eat lettuce,
They don’t follow any mainstream trends, whatever you do, don’t criticise homeless people to them…
unless you want to hear a punk rendition of “It’s Another Day In Paradise” by Phil Collins.
The punk version doesn’t sound very nice. They can’t sing but they’re trying.
I heard that song when I was 6 and that was quite suffice… But I love them all the same!

Soy chocolate tastes nicer than it sounds.
I tried it once, it’s weird, I lost 3 pounds.
I love the way the guys make me feel empowered,
You don’t call it working, call it selling your hours of life…

I love my vegan punk friends but they quit work today
Because they don’t want to be retail store whores,
Employment doesn’t suit the punk rock cause.

Anarchists and lettuce, 2 punks I will miss.

It’s Getting Worse

This is a hideous city, the trains are late and everyone’s nasty.
Cast me into your life story, you’re the only one I wanna see.
I’m falling for your charms and you wear them in disguise;
You hide magnets in your arms and whirlpools in your eyes.
The sky is grey all day then I see you and it turns blue!
No one else can see that, but I do.

I wouldn’t tell my family, and all my friends they don’t agree
With the effect you have on me- I’m like a puppy dog on its knees.
Is that even possible? Are there knees on dog’s legs? I digress.
The point is- You turn me into a pathetic mess. Mess.

We were prescribed rose-coloured glasses and kept falling on our arses,
My eyes were fine, turned out I’d been misdiagnosed.
The glasses made me blind, now I can only trust my nose.
But I’ve noticed every time I talk it grows.
And I hate feeling like I’m Pinocchio.
I get so upset I start singing “The Rose”!
It goes…..“Some say love, it is a flower and you its only seed”
Baby, what does that make me?

Today you remind me I’m wasting my time!
If you’re not mine and never will be, I guess I’ll have to set you free.
‘Cause hurting me is not serving any purpose.
Please get out if you know it’s getting worse, worse, worse.
Oh, get out if it’s only getting worse.

It’s getting worse. It’s getting worse. It’s getting worse.

Hurt My Feelings

The time I spend with you is all shits and giggles,
But then you leave and instantly I’m in a pickle.
So keep hanging around or I am bound to always frown,
The lady at the show said I made her miserable.

That’s not a nice thing to say!
She was drunk anyway, but I’m still reeling.
She hurt my feelings.

I’ll make it clear why I value your company & time-
I have a fear of being blown up and you get it off my mind.
So I won’t die. When you’re by my side I hardly cry at all.

Till you don’t return my calls!
Then I really start to bawl!
The wound was healing.
Now you’ve hurt my feelings.

And I don’t want to be some kind of garden gnome,
But if you ignore me I’ll stand outside your home.
If I can see you’re not alone, my happy face will turn to stone,
And I’ll become that garden gnome! NO!

Oh how I miss our time together (Oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh)
Cancel your plans, stay with me forever (Forever),

‘Cause I catch trains and aeroplanes and think of all the bombs again,
You’re so appealing it hurts my feelings.

It hurts my feelings!
It hurts my feelings!
It hurts my feelings!

It hurts my….feelings.

Home Sweet Home

How many granny tantrums will they let me live down?
My friends must truly love me to put up with all these party frowns.

I only wanna play if we do it in the daytime,
Don’t come around at night, or you’ll sit silent by my bedside.

I know I’m at the age when I’m supposed to lead the wild life.
I like it in the kitchen but I never wanna play with knives.
And I don’t mind the darkness, it’s just safer with the light on outside.
Give me 10 good hours of sleep, it’s nice feeling just generally alive.

Keep laughing at my singlet; we’ll see who laughs when you catch a cold.
If I act elderly so young, how will I be when I’m actually old?

Don’t know how else to be,
It’s always been this way, I’m stuck with me!
Carpenters cds, is it wrong to love sweet harmonies?

Prob’ly should be playing an electric guitar and making a lot more noise,
Having promiscuous sex with all the local boys,
When I was a kid I feared the choking hazard of my toys.
I misplaced all my wild oats, I’m ashamed to lead a life I enjoy.

Should I be ashamed to lead a life I enjoy?
I won’t be ashamed to lead a life I enjoy!

Home Sweet Home.

I Wanna Throw Stones

We’re all of us just pigeons- we don’t know what you’ve got but we want it NOW!
And I do not want to share it; I don’t think I could bear it,

It’s carbon copy watered down and it’s invading all the towns,
Riding in on bandwagon to ready, waiting crowds.
Are the old rockers rolling over in their graves?
It’s a new age but there’s no sign of a new sound!

There’s no new plans for the world’s rock bands,
Fans don’t listen any more; they just read their mag and clap their hands!

I keep going further back to hear something that’s un-rehashed,
I want to be inspired!
If they’ve created everything you’re ever going to,
You may as well set yourself on fire!

The children you’re raising are not your own,
You’re brazenly stealing them from their happy homes.
I see it from the glass house and I wanna throw stones!

There’s always more words to add to the pile I’m sure I’ll regret.
So I lay in this bed I made from words I said.

My Dream Of A Magical Washing Machine

Had a dream last night, woke in a terrible fright.
The dream wasn’t what scared me; it was the fact that I woke and it wasn’t a reality.
Well in this dream, I had a magic washing machine;
It doubled as a jukebox; I danced around my house lots.
Instead of swishy noises I could listen to the Pet Shop Boys and the whites they just got whiter in the musical enlightener!

So I want a magical washing machine that doubles as a jukebox!
Where’s my magical washing machine? It doubled as a jukebox!

In my dream I had a lot more friends, but none of them were genuine.
They just brought around their dirty socks and made me wash them in my jukebox.
Well, this jukebox had every song you could wanna hear and then some…30 Odd Foot Of Grunt.

But I want a magical washing machine if it doubles as a jukebox!
I had a magical washing machine, It doubled as a jukebox!

Oh! What did I drink last night?
Oh! What did I smoke last night?
It messed with my head as I slept in my bed.
Oh, What did I drop last night?
Oh, What did I shoot up last night?
I don’t remember, but it sure ruined my life.

‘Cause now I want a magical washing machine that doubles as a jukebox!
There’s no such thing as a washing machine that doubles as a jukebox.

I’ve had the most of the trading post and I’ve trawled my way through Ebay,
And I found nothing even similar like a laundromat with a DJ.
There’s no DJ. I guess it’s not my day. My life’s in disarray…..NO!
There goes my dream of a magical washing machine.

What She Said

Phone me, I am feeling so damn lonely.
I’m finding it hard to breathe with ease.
And insects fly in my eyes.
It comes as no surprise; I know they are aiming on purpose.
I’m worthless, I am.

The bugs can tell. They see I’m in hell and push me further down….

And I know if I were cloned,
I’d just look at me and throw endless tomatoes.
The sorrow grows, poor me.

I walked out into the sun.
The weather changed, and rained on everyone.
I ruin lives through my mere existence.

Don’t sigh out loud.
It bores the crowd.
Sigh out loud again and lose another friend.

Again. Again!!!!

Nobody knows how this feels.
Everyone else is smelling roses and I’m still stinking lonely.
And I’m the only one around that ever feels down.

(Chorus of lonely voices) What she said.

“It Makes A Crunchy Noise E.P.” (2003)